Dear ClownLoveFood,

This is my last post on you ever.

So much has happened since 1 month ago. I was arrested by the police, brought to my house in chains(relatively, but not exactly), I was brought and warded back into IMH, and my ex-girlfriend broke up with me. And after being release from IMH, things didnt magically became awesome. Many bad things did happen , and there was many a sleepness night and anorexic days. There was lots of hurts, denial, self defense, self pity, self blaming and whatever self harming and what nots you can thinkg about.

BUT THROUGH IT ALL: I AM SO THANKFUL HAHAHAHAHA!Like if I wasn't brought to IMH, I don't think I could have met Mark Lawrence Ross Oh(He's british/singapore, hot like crazy but nice and funny like a kitten) and his amazing passion and optimistism towards life even though he's been shut in IMH for two years and his spine got fractured either by the nurse shoving him to the wall or playing rugby.

If I wasn't dumped, I wouldn't have got out of depression. I admit, it's weird to think of it like that. Of course I wish it not to happen but it happened anyway. Which was good, and sad, but it was bound to happen.

I am so thankful for my family and friends who stick by me through it all. They were really a source of strength and encouragement. Thanks to: Pei Jia, Chay Yeow, Ariel, Dhanu, Adeline,Dextre,Kelly,CS, Kun Tai,Carol, Bronson,Andy, Yong Shun, Marcus, Bing Xi,Aaron, my brother and sister-in-law,Kirsten, MY VERY LOVING MAAAAA , and xander, arrisa , Lauryn and Auntie Patricia. I may have left out a few names(I am sorry if I did!) but I am really thankful for their love, longsuffering, patience, kindness, and acceptance and understanding. I have never more loved before and I am so greatful and thankful for people like you.

I am so thankful,of course, to GOD. HOW AWESOME ARE YOU GOD? WAY AWESOME! I never met someone who love me so much, that He love me just as I am, broken, imperfect, hurting and in lots of pain. When I was in my greatest pain, He was ok to have me just to stand in His presence and to weep. When everything and everything went bad and sour, He stick by me and though He seem relatively quiet, but I know He has a way of making all things together for good. His favour that He placed on me was evident even when I ran away from home. IF He didnt set me up for sunday service(christmas) , or allow Bronson, Andy and Carol to find me and "forced" me to stay at Bronson's house, or that He gave me the courage and boldness to continue smiling in the storm even when everything is just stormy, I would have been dead way long ago. I am thankful and so in awe of this great loving God that loves me, and I do want to love Him more. This is a GOD who is like GPS, He doesnt get angry when I make(surprisingly) many wrong turns, but redirects me to the right path. And I know and I know and I know, even when I can't see it, He loves me. I believe that His hands are there in the storm. And that Jesus is in the boat. Amen!

I am so thankful and greatful for everything and everything that has happened(even the depression and being suicidal and what not) . It make me realise what kind of person I truly am, how ugly I can get, and how low I can allow myself to go. It wasn't really a smooth journey, but I learnt so much , about life, about myself, about what I truly am, about people( a little) , about my principles and character. I thank GOD that I am who I am. I love myself for who I am, and I am not really afraid to admit that I AM SO IMPERFECT AND FLAWED. I am discovering my weakness and strength, doing something about the countless weakness while polishing the few strengths that I have.

I realise(with a little shock) that I wasn't an IS(DISC personality system) that I though I was. I am actually an SC, surpotive and cautious. Hahahaha, so apparently I am not the I personality that I thought I was but actually an C. I always know I was introverted, but I realise that from Dextre, that being an introvert simply means I draw strength from myself.(YAY) I also learn not to hide things-I use to have emotional constipation. It was hard to express who I was or how I felt, even to the ones I care for.

Which brings me to my blog's name.

I always believe I was a clown- Clowns are people who puts on make up, that makes them look very cheerful and happy, and they bring joy and laughter to others. But underneath the makeup, they are not happy, they are not joyful, they are sad. The conflictedness of that makes them seem happy on the outside but miserable on the inside. And the need to be happy for others overides the need to express one's feeling because you want others to be happy more than you are and then you get more and more miserable. Ask any clown- Most of them won't choose to be a clown if they have a choice. But it is part of the gimmick, the work. And being a clown after a while, you actually forgot how to be happy for yourself.

But enough of clowning around. I am learning to love myself more and to realise that hey, I JUST WANT TO BE ME, there is no one I rather be than me. AND I LOVE ME. I love being crazy, I love being rather rigid and boiling everything down to principles and character(even though I still struggle), I love music , and I LOVE BEING ALONE sometimes.(Solitude is good, sometimes) I guess being a clown for too long, I forgot how to love myself and just keep loving others at the expense of oneself(even though I could be quite selfish too). I actually forgot how to enjoy being alone(which I really like) and also just enjoying a conversation(sounds crazy) with myself. I know now what I want in a relationship, what I dont want to become once I am in one, and definitely am learning how to deal with my insecurity with Abandonment Lifetrap, rather than pushing people away that I fear losing. And I am enjoying the freedom to be myself, I forgot how that felt but it's reassuring to be oneself, no matter what. I can be sad when I am sad, happy when I am happy, Weak when I am weak, strong when I am strong and I don't have to fake it anymore like a clown. I can be funny and lame just the way I am, and I can be fun loving the way I am.

There's no need to fake it anymore:it did hurt, it's been one month since I got dumped, but I am moving on. So thankful for someone like that to stay by me throughout(although she did left near the end) but I am so happy that she is so happy now with my friend! Thankful that despite everything, and it seems like everything is going crazy, there is a meaning behind it.

Last time, when people say that " The journey is more important than the results", I will be like " YOU MUST BE CRAZY". I was always a "The ends must justify the means "person. But this past 8 months make me realise that... The journey is better than the end. And I really enjoyed my journey:D I actually am a little unsure where I am going still. BUT I LIKE IT.

It is like an adventure, there is something uneasy about it, and you don't exactly what will happen but you are excited. You know something awesome is coming, and there may be bad things that can still happen. Murphy's law(If anything can go wrong, it will) will still apply, and bad things will continue to happen to good people,whiles good things will continue to happen to bad people. But that doesnt make me a bad person(per se maybe). I dont really care where I am going(OK maybe not not but still), but I know who I am going with and what I am looking forward to. I am a little afraid I may make a little blunder by just jumping into a relationship the moment the opportunity comes, and to admit it, I am quite scared and being a little overprotective of myself. But that is a good thing. NS is priority.

There is a lot of ? and unfulfilled things, like my BANK ACCOUNT(WHY SO EMPTY) , what will happen in NS, what will happen in the future(????) and other things. I admit, when I was in depression, it really overwhelmed me. But now, I am excited as to what's beyond all this. I wonder how I am going to get there. BUT hey , let's not sweat it, GOD is here.His plans are great.

"For the thoughts that I think towards you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to grant you a future and a hope" Jeremiah 29:11

I like this blog because only selected people knew about it, and maybe it was very comfortable, like my own little clown's corner. But this is the last time I am doing this. Goodbye clown, you gave me a lot of memory and like a vending machine, you always deliver, but now you are just something that I am giving up. For something better. Goodbye. I will miss you, old friend.

Yours sincerely,
Andrian Mango:D
A new chapter to look forward to, and a old chapter to flip over:D


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