I have to admit it:

On the 4th of febrary, when you end things with me, I couldn't understand. I got better, and out of being suicidal, because when you finally lost someone that you truly love, you realise how much you can be stronger.For yourself and for her and for your friends and family Desperately pleading to see a doctor so I could come out ASAP. But I waited 10 days. I kept planning to get out of IMH asap, I kept planning how to win you back. I even started on it. and doing all the planning
Yes, I do know what it is like putting in effort and having it go down the drain. When I was doing it halfway and picking myself up , I had to know you got together with him, a friend.

I was angry for 5 hours, I smash the things I made. And in the end , when I realise how happy you were with him, and your dream of being happy. I decided to still do everything I originally intended, but after a lot of my friend telling to be happy that you are so happy, I decided not to. I kept the glass jar, card.

And ultimately, I was hurt . Cause I told you of what hurt me the most about my previous relationship and you assure me it will not happen but now we know .




Today I realise I have a very big problem.

I realise I was a very insecure person, andmy insecurity became a self fulfilling prophecy. I was doing and rating the things that the psychologist wanted.

AND I rate it totally true:

Sometime I am so worried about people leaving me that I drive them away.

I can't be myself or express what I really or people will leave me

. I am insecure about people who is very important to me leaving me, and I keep trying to prove myself right.

The psychologist told me I was in "The Abandonment lifetrap" When I was young, a baby, my dad and my mom divorced. My mom had depression, and work 2-3 jobs, and when I was young until I was 7, I had 7 different babystter. It made me prone to this trap.

The schemas in my brain(abandoment) , my brain develop coping strategies or maintenance instead of facing up to it, and I do one of these 3 things(I did all 3): 1) Surrender-pushing people away(even though I didnt mean it) 2)Counterattack(needy, clingy, stalking and reading internet) 3)Escape(playing games, drugs, drinking, work , etc)

I was so insecure about myself because so many important people had walk out of my life, that I got so used to expecting it will happen. I promise chay yeow a lot of things, which kept me strong. After I met you, I became very defensive, trying to justify that you didn't love me and just wanted to leave. But I know otherwise. Oh yes,I am to blame. I wasn't able to be there for you, although I did tried to start being there.But just when I feel better and am better and want to make up, it is already too late.

So yes, I know what it is like putting in lots of effort but being too late. I say all the things I shouldnt say. I still love you. But I can't let something that happen to me to happen to a friend. Everyone is telling me to move on, but I can't. But I want to give you the peace to move on. And you being happy, I am willing to give you the freedom to be happy.

Because when I was at my lowest point, you stayed with me for as long as you could.

 Today as I apologise to my brother, having to recount what happen and telling him how much I was afraid of losing you and stuff, I broke down and cry. My brother told me about , and all my friends tell me, about all the times you look desperately for me. So yes, I know about it.


I remembered everything. The happy moments. I remember 18th of feburary, which was the date I met you. But that is not why I remembered it. I remembered how happy you were when I remind you of how special it was, my plans. But those plans have to be scrapped.

I am back home. I made things up to my family and friends and I am going to start working on monday ! Aaron is so nice to hire me.

But this friday, I need to go back. Everything started there.

Sunset to sunrise,
 I wonder how many stars you can count?
When you want to scream, let the wave drown it out.
The stones I sat, I once sat with someone else.
I was brave, I stood brave, and I inch closer,
Even though she was crying so badly,
Four hours fly by before I remember,
But hearts beat fast
And I blush,even if you did't realise
It was so enchanting to meet you
I said so many of what was deep insie I flash my heart, outside of strong walls I put up
To be vulnerable just enough for you
But now all this is a memory
The so many love songs  I listen to
Keep making me think of you
It's ok.
Being strong, I am not able to. It's ok to be weak.
It's ok to cry.
Tears are the language of the soul.
Remember the coin flipping,
the reassurance before the inevitable meeting with blueberry.
The lame jokes, the funny jokes,
"Baby,I miss your smell" or "Niao chan".
hahahahahahahahahahahhahaha
I am a fool.
The 21st , that is where I will be.
Deja vu', I have a heart attack.


And I plan to see the sunrise.




Got my Iphone back , guess what picture it is.
 The photo album, every word you wrote inside. And the cards, cookies,FRIENDS picture frame, everything and everything. Thank you for loving a scum like me. I only remember the good, I forgo the bad. 
Etolahs.


Lalalalala