Today I sent a close friend of mine , or at least I perceive to be , Su Wei, off to Glasgow .

Quite a lot of people came , and her estranged boyfriend who originally was too busy , managed to come down and so it was good. Met some of my old classmates . Quite embarrassing and funny at certain ... Conversation topics hahahaha.

It is kinda sad that she is flying away for 5 years study for her veterinary course. Technically it isn't 5 years cause she will be back by December but still ...

It got me wondering ...
So what if I left for a far away trip? Will anyone come and send me off?

I have sent quite a few friends overseas. Mostly my china friends who went off , back to china, either for a long trip or permanently . It is always so sad to see that only a few came to send them , and secretly you are glad you came for them . There was once I was the only one to send a friend who went back to china and wasn't coming back anymore . She was.. Quirky . But I like her as a friend anyway. Eccentric as she was , she was a good friend . As the only one who was dumb enough to meet her at 6am+ instead of her other friends , it felt ... Overwhelming .

Secretly , I wish people would come and send me off. There was a good 16 years of my life where my friends were  not really friends. It can get really bad. My supposed friend stole my hand phone. My supposed friend pull down my pants , not one friend but two , one at a parade square and one at macriche(?) reservoir while I was talking to a girl ... My friends hated me , bullied me . Outcasted because I was ... Different . Desperate to fit in. Not desperate to change . That got me in trouble . A lot .

So I grew up pretty much alone. I used to close my room, and I ask God " Why God?". God listens , but sometimes too well. I cried and cried . Desperate to fit in but never could . Always left out , and when I am in a group, I was always the last to know .

You grew accustomed to being alone after awhile . I had my only companion , myself  and God.

I talked to myself . A lot . Because no one listened to me . God is the one who plugs into my conversation . I plug Him in, ask Him questions , tell him things no one would want to listen to . He is too good at keeping silent , that was how I felt .

Sometimes I still do feel left out . And I am used to it . I am insecure and yet I wish I was part of someone's close group of friends . I asked myself sometimes " why don't they ask me out?" and ironically , when some group asks me out , I can't make it . Funny isn't it ?

I didn't had many close friends until I was 16. A lot have come and then left . And yet they come back again . I value certain ones but it is always not the same backwards . I can't help it . You choose to let who you want into your world. Maybe I am a bad influence . Maybe , I am not as important to them as I value them to be. But it is a part of life.

Ultimately , I ask myself , if I ever left , will anyone come? I kid myself but I think , I will say no one would . And not that I mind really .


But really, expectation leads to disappointment sometimes. And so I won't expect anything . I will continue to be insignificant that I am . I like that .

A mindless blabbering .

Nonetheless , I am thankful . For the many friends that I have . Outside of my family . Inside of it even. I never had friends like you , and I am but thankful for people like you. Who choose to stick with someone but as disgusting as I, a vermin. I thank you for your love , your gifts, your gestures that may seem insignificant but important . Thank you.

.hcum oot did uoy dna uoy knaht

Etolahs happily we are . 


Lalalalala