How do you grow up without a father,

With a mother who was never able to show you love,who can never stand you , leaves you to fend for yourself  in a world of wolves before you even grew up. Who, even when you tried to explain partly what happened to You in school, and trying to tell her your problem you faced emotionally and mentally, beats you up and labels you the worst son on earth . Who , when you have a problem, instead of assisting, she beats you up again and says things that insults not only you, but your beliefs and your God . Who's willing to say things like she will take the whole house away from me when I didn't even ask for it.

A brother who's way of disciplining you was to beat you up so bad you went to the hospital

Without friends

Without so many things that I could ever wanted only to be faced with whatever I didnt want .

I grew up lacking in many things.

I am surprise I am alive. 

I am broken. In many different areas I wish  I wasn't like that. 

When I was younger, I didn't understand. I ask God "why?" so many times while I cried my hearts out hoping for a life that was not like that. As to why it was so painful, as to why I always have to be the one who had to steal because he was hungry and didn't have enough money, the one who had no friends  who he could call after school , why he could not go out and play until he was 14, the one whoalways left out by his classmates , the one who people tease.

The one who grew up alone, who tried to be strong , and in the end was weak. The one who had to wake up every day and fend for himself.

The one  whose family send to the court to make him enter boys home because they "could not control him" , the one who tried to take his own life and failed.


And above it all,

If I ever had anything in my life that kept me alive,

To have the courage to live

To find a reason to be strong

To find a reason to feel like I have a hope,

It is You my God.



And though I feel like I am so alone, I have You. Do not abandon me. Be patient with me . Be what I can't have. 

And I am thankful for my friends which are my cell group members. Though I had no friends in the past, but they stuck by me in my lowest, they saw what I was truly, and they did not reject me like the so many that did. Thank you God for people who stayed in my lowest and who still believed in me when I could not.



But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." (Lamentations 3:21-24 ESV)





Lalalalala