9.30pm, when i walk home...perhaps a thousand words I have to say...but all could think was...I am not good enough. I am the fault. Why always me? And I was control all my tears and anger and resentment and hopelessness.

If words can kill, never won first place. Because it sounded alien, and it hurts so badly. Not even hope.

If there was a moment in my life which is the worse day of my life , that day qualify. It was plain misery....crying over something which you have no say over...and it's just painful...

Crying when you try to smile, laughing while you try to shrug it off, for what for, it's gone the moment Andrian was there...

And sometime I hate myself for being who I am, cursing the day I was born. Why always I have to be the big loser, the one who make all the mistake...why always good things smile at me, but bad things come my way...why remaining hopeful, even when truth is shouting in your face....

If I had the guts now, I probably cut my own wrist. Which I dont. This pain...hurts. No medication, no nothing. My heart's in pieces.

Nobody likes mistakes. Not even when you try to be super understanding to everyone, dont try to shout too much except once in a few months...no, everyone hates my mistakes.

And it's like a disease to be me...your rejection, my demise, my hate. Another one who came in life who meant something, and suddenly pull back ... Another one in my life who hurts me...

Love. Perhaps clinging on to it...and hurting yourself more, once in a while, you feel hope. Then a twist in your own story, and truth comes to you and slaps you awake. Hope, why hope...when it's obvious.

Game over. The first one is the worse one, when it comes, when it comes, to a broken heart...

Just when another moment, I was secretly remaining calm, now I break down in tear. Hurts to be me... always me. Never mind.

Love sufferes long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely; does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity , but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believe all things, hopes all things, endure all things.Love does not fail.

Forget it. My only source of encouragement comes from Daddy . One moment you very hopeful, another, a wake up call. Fun stuff, like adding salt to your wound.


Lalalalala