this 4 days since sunday...so much happened.

On monday, i woke up and fell asleep as always, and i saw your msg that makes me smile... and then, you ask me if i wanted to watch movie, which i did, and i went and we watch a movie...

Monday, i was probably so happy, i mean, to be alone with you, and when you just hold my hand ...feel so blissful=) and when you put your head on my shoulder...nothing compare to that feeling,and then...for a moment, i was so happy. And then even after the movie, you wanted me to held your hands... Ha , perhaps...
and then the many night we talked, and how i have to read the word out loud...or you wont ever talk to me...

maybe , i forgot, that i acted purely on impusle. And valerie specifically told me to dont be so ...and i did...=.=" ..and then started the snowball effect...

tuesday was good..

wednesday at first was good, until i went lan, and then at first my head hurts so much from staring at it for 2/1/2 hour...and then it changed from physical pain to emotional and etc... and i felt something very wrong, and so many things on my mind...

AND THEN, ....sigh, the details too long to describe.And after calling you on the phone... And valerie again tell me i acted too purely on impusle. stupidity of mine to just listen and then do. sometime when you are desperate to undo the wrong you did, you act on purely impulse, and forgot...

That the other party will be hurt. And the other party...sigh..OK is a lie. I am fine with it is not true...and i know you did cry.

And my motive, was maybe misunderstood. Confusion on your part, and misery on my.

And i know, when i saw your eyes, i...just hurt you big time...and yet...i hurt myself as well...stupid me, always doing things to make the situation so...
AND valerie instructed me, but no, i just have to take it lightly and chaos ensured.'

I feel #(@%*#%#. You probably feel worse than anything in the world.

But I dont want to lead you on, and yet we agreed, that until the day I tell you the thing, we wont be official, and now, when i make it rather plain that i want to make sure that we arent going too far,maybe, if i was SENSITIVE enough to meet you face to face, things wouldnt be so bad.

I hate myself. I hate it, and i know today, premiere is not what i am. When you look at your watch 5 times at least while talking to me and looking at your best friend all the time, and other than that, didnt even bother to look at me...

Killing me in guilt, then despair, then regret. And now, alienation. Rejection, awkward when you see me, ...all my fault. I am all responsible.

And yet, i fear, so many things. My heart is still yours miss special. Like no one else. But now my heart probably broken in many pieces due to my own fault...

Stupid me. Forgive me...


Lalalalala